Where I am now.

Yesterday marked the second year since you left me. For good. With dreadful finality. The pain i feel now is as great as it was back then, there on that bench at the Lover's Lane.

Two years, 24 months, 731 days, 17,544 hours, 1,052,640 minutes and 63,158,400 seconds and counting since the last time i saw your face, held your hands, kissed your lips. since the last time i've seen you cry for me and the moment you said goodbye. Does that make the pain any bearable? No. On the contrary..

I have moved on in many ways, but maybe i can never move on from the fact that i lost you for me. The fact that i know i was never truly forgiven. How can i be, for hurting such an innocent one like you.
I am envious when i learn of a friend who got back together with an ex boyfriend who cheated or just did bad. One even citing me as her reason for forgiving because i wanted so much of your foriveness and another chance.
I am happy for them, those friends of mine, but i am envious thinking why couldn't have done the same for me?
I feel hurt, and i say to myself, maybe your love for me really wasn't enough to warrant me your forgiveness and chance. But then, who was I, a cheater, to demand of it?
It was always okay for men to cheat, but women, no.

Looking back, there are many things i've learned, many i've realized but still refuse to accept. It was still all me isn't it? Losing you was still all my goddamn fault.

But here i am dragged by time and forced to live life with you replaced by my memory and regret.
It is fucking frustrating to wiggle away from these replacements of yours, especially when its only my dreams that you visit.

Still, i am left with no choice.
And as it turns out, yesterday was the day i bought myself time. Since the couple watch i bought us no longer ticks (roughly 21 weeks ago), no longer counts the moments of us. Like your heart that stopped beating for me.
Now Time is something i hold in my hands, no longer tied to you. Time that perfectly suits me. Time to love myself more. And time, to be spent forgetting about you.

Four years ago today.

Let me take you back to the night we first met.
To the time I didn't know you nor even see you see me.
If only I'd known better, maybe I could have been better.
Or maybe I wouldn't have pushed you too much just to pull you in...and push you away again, to the end.

dear best friend

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dear best friend,

(from one brokenheart to another...)

i will not tell you that everything is okay..
                precisely because it is not,
                because you are not
i will not tell you that it won't hurt..
                because it will...for maybe a long time.
i will not tell you to stop feeling wanting to die
                because i know exactly how it feels.

i will not tell you sugarcoated lies and half truths
about how time passes and how it is the magic medicine for everything that hurts.

i wish i could.

but, i can only tell you
that no matter what you may go through,
it only gets better.

you may not see or feel like it, but it does.
every fucking, hurtful day, it does.

it takes a long, awful long time before you can breathe and say i am okay.
it may even not come to that point at all..

but its true, what they say...
"the best way out is through."


i cry because i know i deserved it when i was there on that abyss,
but you don't, and its unfair.

i cry because i have been there.
because i know no one can help you but yourself.
i cry because i am helpless,
knowing that i can never be truly there for you.

but know, dear, dear love,
that i am here, always for you
just as you were there for me.

i may not be there every step of the way, i may not be able to carry you
i may not be able to lift you up when you tumble down many, many times.

but i am here,
i am on the other side,
i am waiting for you,
because i know you will make it through.

this is our ungodly hour.
and this too, shall pass.

when I knew

And when I heard you say you wish you didn't attend Lhet's debut party,
I realized how deep and how much I've hurt you to the core.

Deep enough to want me uprooted, deleted from your memory.
Enough for you to wish you never ever met and laid your eyes on me.
For you to regret everything.

That's when it hurt the most.
Because I proved you did love me that much.
But at the same time, it hit me that I can never ever have you again.
And I knew, yes, I knew deep down, I should let you go.
D.

Hey, Mr. Engineer

CONGRATULATIONS!

Engineer ka na!
I can almost hear you say "Sa wakas!"
Yun naman ang alam kong sasabihin mo.
Medyo may delay, you almost gave up and almost decided to shift course, but look at you now! (I know I wish I could...) Mr. Engineer!
I remember nung yan pa ang code name ko para sa'yo.

I can almost feel how happy you are.
I can almost see that dimple of yours ngayong ngingiti ka paggising mo with the thought that after everything, you made it.

Sobrang saya ko para sa'yo...sa tagumpay mo.
I always waited for this day to come to you. 
I only wish I was there for you with that struggle of yours...and celebrate with you now that the fruits of your labor has come.
But someone's in that place now. 

Kahit batiin ka nga lang, hindi ko magagawa.

At least, it happened on the 24th and 25th of November. Those fateful days. 
Everything about that night when you whispered in my ear that you love me exactly three years ago from these dates, are forever kept safe in my memory.
I know, I was with you during these days of your exam, as I lay nostalgic about what could have beens and where we might be if i didn't do "it".
I hope with all of me that at least, somehow, I crossed your mind.
Who knows, maybe these are your lucky days.

You once told me, pangarap mong makasama sa Top 10 ng Civil Engg Boards.
I remembered laughing a little about it kasi akala ko nagjo-joke ka lang but you were serious about it.
You weren't the studious type naman kasi. Dati nga laging okay lang sa'yo basta makapasa.

Hindi mo man nakamit yun, I'm sure sulit lahat ng efforts mo.
And I'll always be so, so very much proud of you.

You've come a long way...long way away from me, from us.
And I'm not sure I can say exactly the same for me.
Some strings of my heart are still attached to yours or to that part of your past where you allowed me in your life, contrary to the now.
But truly, sincerely and from the bottom of this abyss where my heart used to be before it was dragged away by you when you left, I am happy for you. 

It may not be for everything, especially that you're with probably the best girlfriend you've ever had, but I am happy for you...for what you are now.
For what you've become despite what I did to you.
As ever, you are a wonderful person and it will always come out of you.
And as always, and forever, I love you.