Two years, 24 months, 731 days, 17,544 hours, 1,052,640 minutes and 63,158,400 seconds and counting since the last time i saw your face, held your hands, kissed your lips. since the last time i've seen you cry for me and the moment you said goodbye. Does that make the pain any bearable? No. On the contrary..
I have moved on in many ways, but maybe i can never move on from the fact that i lost you for me. The fact that i know i was never truly forgiven. How can i be, for hurting such an innocent one like you.
I am envious when i learn of a friend who got back together with an ex boyfriend who cheated or just did bad. One even citing me as her reason for forgiving because i wanted so much of your foriveness and another chance.
I am happy for them, those friends of mine, but i am envious thinking why couldn't have done the same for me?
I feel hurt, and i say to myself, maybe your love for me really wasn't enough to warrant me your forgiveness and chance. But then, who was I, a cheater, to demand of it?
It was always okay for men to cheat, but women, no.
Looking back, there are many things i've learned, many i've realized but still refuse to accept. It was still all me isn't it? Losing you was still all my goddamn fault.
But here i am dragged by time and forced to live life with you replaced by my memory and regret.
It is fucking frustrating to wiggle away from these replacements of yours, especially when its only my dreams that you visit.
Still, i am left with no choice.
And as it turns out, yesterday was the day i bought myself time. Since the couple watch i bought us no longer ticks (roughly 21 weeks ago), no longer counts the moments of us. Like your heart that stopped beating for me.
Now Time is something i hold in my hands, no longer tied to you. Time that perfectly suits me. Time to love myself more. And time, to be spent forgetting about you.
