HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, Mark Dennis!
Its your special day.
And I don't know what to do except I know I don't want to ruin it.
Because of my outstanding promise to not text you or bother you anymore...
I don't know if I should text you or not. Whether to greet you or leave you a message.
I'm in a dilemma because I want you to somehow feel my absence by me not greeting you. But I'm not even sure if you'll notice it,
I also know that this is one of the rare chances I have now of having a real reason to talk to you. Because if I lose this chance, I may never get to speak to you again. I know how proud you are and you will never text me first. And if I don't greet you now, you might not even greet me on my birthday too.
I am not a proud person. I don't mind too much about pride. Unlike you. Maybe that's why I'm leaning on talking to you today. That's why I'm still here. That's why there was us in the first place.
The thought just hits me that pride is not an issue if you love the person so so much that you're willing to look stupid and crazy and what else just to have that person. Unless you don't realize this, or you have realized it but knew that it wasn't me that you want to be stupid for.
Well, you once did suffer...but you did gave up too.
Once you told me, ikaw pa rin ang lalabas na masama. Kasi ikaw yung nang-iwan. Ganun naman talaga di ba?
I think in relationships, whatever things a lover does bad to his/her partner is just a symptom of a problem. The one that causes the death of a relationship is the giving up part.
Right?
Don't you agree?
Its okay, its just me and my hundred infidelities speaking here.
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”
― Erica Jong
I don't know how else to express that all I want now is for you to be truly happy. And for me to be truly happy FOR YOU. Its the most sincerest feeling I've felt in many months of trying to be numb and not feel anything. But the problem is, I DON'T KNOW HOW.
A friend told me, wag kong pilitin kung hindi naman talaga. And I've realized, yes, I cannot give you what I don't have. i have to be happy with myself first before I can be happy for you (and now my tears fall). Same as maybe I needed others' love for me to be able to give to you when we were together. Because there were moments where I felt your love the most, and the times when I felt it was just me wanting it, right from the start. I did tell you this didn't I?
Maybe you're right that we're not for each other. Umpisa pa lang, marami nang mali.
Maybe you're right that we're not for each other. But that doesn't mean we can't start over.
Maybe someday soon, I'd be truly and sincerely happy for you and where you are and who you're with now.
Maybe I'll finally be happy with where we are now.
Beyond moving on and letting go of you, that's probably the toughest part.
Nonethelss, I know I can never and shall never move on from you.
You're my "the one...that got away."
So, should I greet you or not?
Unang Hirit's going to end soon and we're going on overtime. Looks like my on-air greeting will be dropped.
And I asked for a sign that if I can't greet you on air, I would have to be sending you a message.
Oh and before I forget, and for the record too, with breaking my promise to talk to you again, I'm also scared that you would ignore my greeting anyway or whatever reaction you else might have.
