SPOILER ALERT! This blog entry contains spoilers.
"The Dictionary of Love", for me, is the best book written by David Levithan.
It is a list of words defined connotatively in an attempt by the unnamed male author to define love.
Despite the very dictionary-ish format of the book because of the entry words from which the story is told (which you will see later), the, I suppose was an experimental, method was very effective and indeed succeeded in telling the tale of the lovers who underwent a seemingly insurmountable challenge in the course of their relationship.
A big part of why I love this book so much is because it is a story of a woman who cheated her boyfriend. Not that I am fond of this drama, not that I take pleasure in it, but because it gives me hope. You see, I have been there...and sadly, still is. I am still on my way to find my happily ever after. This book consoles me, tells me there is still hope as I'm here waiting.
And so, I share with you the story, vis-à-vis, in comparison and contrast with my story (in the hope that you, D., will get to read it too).
I have reaaranged the words entered in the Lover's Dictionary so as to chronologically unfold the story at its climax. Let me tell my story through this story.
I do hope I am not breaching any copyright laws in here. I'm sorry Mr. Levithan if I almost posted the entire book itself.
Here goes:
The problem begins ---
(quote 1.)
1.composure, n.You told me anyway, even though I don’t want to know. A stupid drunken fling while you were visiting Toby in Austin. Months ago. And the thing I hate the most is knowing how much hinges on my reaction, how your unburdening can only lead to me being burdened. If I lose it now, I will lose you, too. I know that. I hate it. You wait for my response.
(quote 2.) Arrears meant, "an unpaid, overdue debt."
This is one of the most beautiful passage in the book. It shows how the protagonist (the guy), really trusted his girlfriend.
And I guess it struck me because, I know how much you have trusted me too.
And how much of that trust I have ruined.
I guess my faithfulness to you was "an unpaid, overdue debt." I'm sorry.
This is one of the most beautiful passage in the book. It shows how the protagonist (the guy), really trusted his girlfriend.
And I guess it struck me because, I know how much you have trusted me too.
And how much of that trust I have ruined.
I guess my faithfulness to you was "an unpaid, overdue debt." I'm sorry.
2.
(quotes 3. to 6.) Basically, here's the scoop: the girl cheats, the boy is devastated.
End of story? A big and utter NO.
End of story? A big and utter NO.
3. to 6.corrode, n.I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one night I left the window open, and it started to rust.
doldrums, n.The proper verb for depression is sink.
fallible, adj.I was hurt, of course I was hurt. But in a perverse way, I was relieved that you were the one who made the mistake. It made me worry less about myself.
motif, n. You don’t love me as much as I love you. You don’t love me as much as I love you. You don’t love me as much as I love you.
(quote 7.) At some point, you must have felt saying this...but you were too kind. You wouldn't even say a bad word.
7.
livid, adj.Fuck you for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.
8.
(quote 8.)
You wouldn't even say a bad word.
You wouldn't even curse.
But I guess somehow you felt like this -------------------->
even though you were mad.
(quote 9) I'm pretty sure you've felt this a thousand times. You never failed to tell me so.
9.
abyss, n.There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you've taken from me. Everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us.
(quote 10.) BUT---
10.
vagary, n.The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty.
(quote 11.) Well, this is different from us.
I was never a gracious cheater.
I never told you that the decision was up to you. All because I was always insisting that you take me back.
Is that so bad? I just didn't want to lose you.
11.
And then you wanted me to stay, even though you know nothing could stay the same.
(quote 12., 13. and 14. ) And here's what happened after a few weeks.
12. to 14leery, adj.Those first few weeks, after you told me, I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. After working for so long on being sure of each other, sure of this thing, suddenly we were unsure again. I didn’t know whether to touch you, to sleep with you, have sex with you. Finally, I said, "It’s over.
persevere, v.Those first few weeks, after you told me, I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. After working for so long on being sure of each other, sure of this thing, suddenly we were unsure again. I didn’t know whether to touch you, to sleep with you, have sex with you. Finally, I said, "It’s over. You started to cry, and I quickly said, "No – I mean this part is over. We have to get to the next part."
quixotic, adjFinally, I said, "It’s over." You started to cry, and I quickly said, "No – I mean this part is over. We have to get to the next part." And you said, "I'm not sure we can."
But you never said the lines: "No – I mean this part is over. We have to get to the next part."
You can never go beyond the cruel combination of the words: "It's over."
(quote 15) And I never said---
15.
serrated, adj.And you said, "I'm not sure we can."
(quote 16) Because I was always the one who wanted to PERSEVERE (see quote number 13 entry) and wanted to TRAVERSE "the road less traveled" of relationships:
To continue despite the odds.
For you had your reasons, and I have mine.
(Kung gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan.)
16.
I wish you were this sure for even just a moment, for a while, when you gave me my second and third chances.
But you never were.
In a way, you never really believed or hoped for the betterment of US.
You were never into it.
And in a way, YOU NEVER REALLY GAVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE, at all.
(funny how I always wanted to say this part to you. but not like this. One day, I'll say this in front of you.)
CONCLUSION:
And so ends the two stories with two very different endings.
One lived with optimism, while the other died in pessimism.
But, still, with us, I want to believe it's not the end yet.
I want to believe it's just a temporary pause before we start again.
Until then, I will wait. and hope. and pray.
And wait some more.
(PS) The night I went to by myself to Baguio, I asked you: Do you really regret us? Or were you just so angry with me then? Did you really regret going to that party where you met me?
I can only hope this is your answer.
As it is mine.
PS.
(PPS) And should you come back, (as I hope and hold my life for it that you will):
I don't mind being loved less. After all, I feel not worth it anyway.
I don't mind you not trusting me fully. I never believed in trust given right away, anyway.
I don't mind if you love me less.
But do love me for a long time.
PPS.
((END)).
