*Originally posted in Facebook notes, 26th of July, 2011
"Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me.
I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving.
Depression is all about: 'If you loved me you would'. As in if you love me, you would stop doing your school works, stop going out drinking with your friends on a Saturday night...and stop doing everything else besides sitting here by my side and passing me Kleenex and aspirin while I lie and creak and cry and drown myself and you in my misery."
— Elizabeth Wurtzel (Prozac Nation)
This book (I haven't seen the movie yet, so I can't tell if if does as well), which is a memoir, reflects how I am most of the time. And represents me down to the detail of not having a "father figure" in my life (of course until "you" came along, but you left me too) and the character wanting to be a journalist. I apologize if mostly or at one time, I was this demanding to all of you. Especially to you D., who was with me in probably the lowest point in my life. Sadly I can't say I'm no longer there. I can't say, I won't be this demanding anymore. Depression is so consuming, it is not that easy to turn around and walk away from. Sometimes you think, you're okay, you'll be okay, and then one morning, you just wake up and hell is there all over again.As Wurtzel said, "That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're gonna live."
To quote Wurtzel once again, "I wish they could know what it's like to wake up one morning, afraid you're going to live."
I apologize to those whom I have dragged in this depression and misery business and experienced it head on.
And to you D., another quote: "At a certain point, he realized he couldn't cope with it. I understand his decision, I really do. I understood it even at the time. But it didn't make it hurt any less." I really understand how much everything hurt you. It is extremely selfish of me to say, but, it hurts so much that you didn't stay. And for a depressive like me, it just makes things so much worse.
Don't worry though if you think this is a suicide note (hahaha), it isn't...not yet, though.
A link to the movie if you want to watch: http://www.megavideo.com/?d=9QGLWLKV
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel