I've been thinking about it for a long, long time...and I guess I just had the strength when I needed to do something big to commemorate December 23. I was supposed to be in Tagaytay on my own that day and wait for D., but I got scared, knowing he won't come anyway.
So it just dawned on me, "Why not do something with your hair to mark this day?" So I did. And off I went to Tony and Jackey's not really knowing what kind of style will I use.
I chose to cut my hair short because I have to do something new with myself. I opposed perming because I had that done already. So I chose a short hair plus decided to color it.
As the stylist was chopping my hair off, I got scared. "What if it won't suit me? What if my hair made my face look even fatter?"
I realized, as was with most things, trying on new stuff makes us scared. The uncertainty of whether it will turn out alright or not...the anxiety of what you'll feel when its over.
I realized, chopping my hair short was metaphorical for me trying to let go of D.
I'm scared, I don't know how things will go.
But then I got this mindset ti think positive and say, "Bahala na. Whatever happens, I just need to live through it." Kumbaga, dapat panindigan.
I asked myself why can't I just be like that, have that mindset when it comes to D.? Maybe because he's worth fighting for to keep than a thousand locks of my hair that I've grown used to wearing long and flowing.
If you think about it, they're just one and the same and at the same time, very different things.
One thing that's very different though, the outcome of cutting your hair is comes to you instantly, than the outcome of letting go of your most loved one. I mean, the fear, the anxiety, just lasts for an hour max, while for letting go and moving on? Indefinite.
Though on both you may have to live with your decisions for a a period of time,there are so many things you can do to hide your hair if you don't want it. And there is only but one thing to do in moving on, and that is letting go.
To uplift my spirit though, I loved how my hair turned out. and I took quite a lot of compliments too on living without my long hair.
I hope the same result will come out of my trying to live without you.
